Guusje continues her story. In her previous blog, she mentioned the reason why she joined, and that her physical symptoms were hurting. In this blog, you can read how her story unfolds.
At 07:00 we woke up together after a night without much sleep.
“The tiredness makes it easier to break,” a thought that popped into my head.
This day is going to be intense. 8 hours of hiking. The weather was cold, it rained, and it was very windy. Or better said; the weather just showed me how I felt inside. Watching this huge mountain in front of me, the cold wind on my face made me scared. What is going to come? Johanna made me carry an object that was heavy and reflected what I carried inside.
I picked a rock, and she told me; you need to take a rock that is way bigger than this. So, I saw this dirty wet and ugly rock looking at me, so I picked it. I carried it. The stone was so heavy, at one point I could not carry it anymore. I just wanted to let it go, let all the heaviness go because I could not carry it anymore.
Like I was carrying pain that was not mine anymore. The feelings of sadness, frustration, and exhaustion came up. Finally, I could throw the rock away, and I started screaming. Probably, the other side of the mountain even heard me screaming. I screamed, and all the pain that was inside my belly came up. I fell on the ground, Johanna was supporting me, and I continued screaming. It felt like the anger inside of me was being pushed into the ground.
When arriving at the top of this mountain, everyone looked at each other with cold bodies. Desperate and exhausted faces from the hard climb. We were all going through something. Whether it was a father, a manager, a child, or a single mum. We were all humans who went through our pain. The sun was promised to us, but the weather just behaved how we felt. Surrounded by the clouds, we tried to hide from the cold wind that harmed our bodies.
We were given the choice to walk for four more or for two hours. Of course, I wanted to continue for four hours, because that is what I do. I never stop, just continue walking, running, and exercising. Johanna looked at me and said, “Guusje, you’re freezing to death; it is unsafe to continue.” There was no colour left, and my lips were turning blue. I didn’t feel that; I was just angry. I just thought about all the pain I had and thought; How can you make me feel so alone, how can you do that to me?! A question I wanted to ask my loved ones. But then; can that question not be better asked to me?
Walking down, we got offered to walk in pairs again, but I just wanted to be alone and run away. Truly, this was the hardest part for me. Finally, I walked down alone with the assignment to talk with my inner child. The girl that is deep inside, hiding in my heart. We welcomed her back, and she was very young and stubborn. It is an amazing experience to walk or even run downwards while having a conversation with yourself out loud for 2 hours. I told myself things; I didn’t even know! When writing this, I feel it’s too hard to explain this day. An inner pain was released, and I opened the door to myself again.
On day three, I woke up from almost 10 hours of sleep. Completely disoriented about where I was, or maybe who I even was. My body hurt, and was exhausted. The anger yesterday was gone. What the heck happened yesterday? There was this anger and sadness. Wow, and that was inside of me all the time. No wonder, my body was not working for me anymore. It couldn’t let go. When talking to my fellow hikers and the coaches, I discovered my new friend; me. Someone who always had been there, just I chose not to see her.
Why was I always seeking this external validation and wanted people to like me so badly?! It is a huge discovery for me that when you’re in your darkest periods; feeling misunderstood by anyone, like you are at the bottom, Alone, you still have you. That is what Johanna told me. Are you alone? You always have yourself. And I have me.
My fellow hikers provided me with the warmest support I have ever experienced. Cheered me up, gave me random hugs out of nowhere, and cried with me. We all carried each other, mirrored each other, and created that safe space where you can truly feel.
It is so fascinating to walk with such as diverse group of human beings. All these people represent another event, person, or feeling to you and give you insights. These insights come to you at perfect timing. For example, the last chat I had on the last day was the last thing I needed to hear to forgive. Even the weather was perfectly aligned with our inner processes. From the cold, rainy weather to the bright blue sky, we received it all.
So, thank you. Thank you, myself. And thank you, all of you. My friends, my family, and myself. The coaches and my fellow hikers. Thank you for showing me this shadow side, this side that was screaming for my attention. And I am so sorry. That feeling I created for myself; that I was not enough for myself. How could I possibly do that to me?
And hello, now I see me.
What if I can be my supporting angel, mother, and best friend in one?! I don’t need so much, because I have me. This feeling of awakening that inner child, that carrying myself again, looking myself in the eyes in the mirror by saying hi with a warm and welcoming smile; I found it.
My body was not dysfunctional; it was telling me; Hi, can you please give me some attention, can you please see me and tell me you are here with me and I am enough?!
The circle is full, my heart is full.
Another deep sleep, to process all of this new information.
Waking up on Saturday was strange. Today I fly back to Amsterdam.
My vision, a letter to myself.
A warm welcome, a release, new tears, more hugs.
On a side note: I got my period today.
